Many people are naturally overpowering when it comes to discussing who should get what in the divorce. Some of them qualify as "negotiation bullies."

A "reasonable spouse" can at least begin to understand the other side's settlement position, but negotiation bullies are totally unable to comprehend that there may be another way of seeing things.

They are too self-centered and "superior" to perceive an opposing settlement position as being anything but preposterous. And this is not an act - they actually believe it.

If your spouse is being a bully, save your breath, and hire a good lawyer to do the talking for you.

Never haggle with a bully, because they will beat you every time. If you dislike conflict and become tempted give in, leave the room. A bully knows his or her prey and knows more about your "weakness" than you do. They bank on it.

If you are about to say yes to a bully (and many of us do), be tough about one thing. Don't say yes on the spot and Insist on getting a day or so to think it over.

If your spouse is not a bully but is just extremely competitive, resist trying to challenge them directly, and be diplomatic. If you stir up a competitor, you will have a semi-bully on your hands.

Face-to-face conversations provide your best opportunity to get your spouse to hear your side. Telephones and e-mail may be more convenient than a visit to an attorney's office, but the other side can better understand us if they see our body language, eyes, facial expressions and voice inflections. These are our best persuasive tools, and it is foolish for us not to use them whenever possible.

People tend to be braver and meaner over the phone and in e-mail. Even if our telephone conversation or e-mail note started civilly, we could get fired up pleading our case and just get angrier and meaner with each word. Using the convenience of e-mail or the telephone usually isn't worth the trouble that could result.

If you must negotiate in this way, try to be as upbeat as possible. Schedule the phone calls for when both of you are usually less harried, more rested, and likely to be in a good mood.

When couples are in divorce negotiations, there is a tendency for everyone to want to know everything right away. At the same time we are reluctant to reveal our real thoughts because we don't want to be held to a position until we have had time to think it through. If the other side pushes for a ball-park figure, don't give them one.

Instead, tell them you need more time to think about it. Dodging the question may make you feel uncomfortable, but mentioning a ball-park figure locks yourself in and gives your spouse an opportunity to whittle you down right on the spot.

Leave haggling to the hagglers:

Making a first offer too soon or being forced into stating a ball-park figure can lead to haggling, the kind of bargaining common in Third World street markets. Haggling in a divorce is not the way to avoid divorce court.

Some degree of satisfaction is essential for both sides in divorce negotiations, and this can only happen if both partners vent freely before tackling the larger issues and feel their views were heard and validated. Haggling won't accomplish this and will leave one or both sides dissatisfied and, possibly, bitter.

Your spouse says, "Take it or leave it. This is my final offer." How should you respond?
It may be hard, but just ignore it. Just go on as if it was never said. Keep talking and allow it to fade into oblivion. Ignoring the ultimatum gives your partner the opportunity to continue negotiations without losing face.

If, however, your spouse continues to press for an instant decision, then ask for a little time to give it some thought and come up with a reasonable counterproposal. Try to calm the situation by asking questions in order to neutralize the threat and give them a chance to get off the hook for making the threat.

Does the first one to speak always lose?

Car sales people use silence after an initial offer in an attempt to stake out their position. They believe that if the customer speaks first, then it is a sign of surrender and the salesperson can hang tough on the last price mentioned. If your spouse tries this with you, then break the silence by saying, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

The spell of silence is usually broken if the first one to speak after the latest offer asks a question.

What should happen if your spouse asks a series of intentionally intimidating questions that end with such demands as "Just answer yes or no" or "Did you or didn't you?" or the emotion laden, but pointless "Is that a threat?"

If you hear such things in your divorce negotiations, try to overcome the temptation to snap back. Instead, try to ignore it by switching the conversation to something else.

But if you are not comfortable doing this, then fire back with your own pointed question. Say "Is that a threat?" right back at them. "Okay, you win; we're even! I threatened, you threatened, and now we're back to where we started. I was hoping we could make some decent progress today. I'm willing to try and I hope you are too. I say, let's get back to figuring out something that works for both of us."

Your spouse says, "Take it or leave it. This is my final offer." How should you respond?
It may be hard, but just ignore it. Just go on as if it was never said. Keep talking and allow it to fade into oblivion. Ignoring the ultimatum gives your partner the opportunity to continue negotiations without losing face.

If, however, your spouse continues to press for an instant decision, then ask for a little time to give it some thought and come up with a reasonable counterproposal. Try to calm the situation by asking questions in order to neutralize the threat and give them a chance to get off the hook for making the threat.

Does the first one to speak always lose?

Car sales people use silence after an initial offer in an attempt to stake out their position. They believe that if the customer speaks first, then it is a sign of surrender and the salesperson can hang tough on the last price mentioned. If your spouse tries this with you, then break the silence by saying, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

The spell of silence is usually broken if the first one to speak after the latest offer asks a question.

If your spouse is pressuring you to agree to a major point that you are not ready to give away, neutralize the problem by asking this question: "What if [this big thing you want from me] was not a problem? Where would we stand then?"

If this tactic doesn't move the major issue out of the spotlight, then ask to shelve it until some of the smaller issues are resolved. You can always revisit the major issue later, but by then it may no longer be a do-or-die obstacle.

What to do when your spouse heads for the door:

If your spouse is through talking and stands up to stalk out angrily, then calmly say: "If you are intent on giving up and taking this to court, then please take this with you and at least think about it."

Scribble a quick offer on a plain piece of paper, fold it, hand it to them and tell them not to open it until later. Limit the offer to only the biggest issue.

If your spouse is done negotiating, then so be it. But if there is some glimmer of hope for reviving settlement talks, the note gives the other side a face-saving way of returning to the table.

In traditional or adversarial cases (as opposed to cooperative divorce law or collaborative law cases), four-way settlement meetings are optional. The attorneys agree to hold such meetings only if they believe the parties are capable of discussing the issues constructively.

The first four-way usually takes place in the lawyer's office that is most convenient or suitable for all four parties. A series of meetings may take place, alternating between both lawyer's offices.

Four-ways can make or break a divorce. Be prepared to walk on eggs, because your spouse is sure to get your goat at some point in the discussions.

Never bite the hand that negotiates with you. You may be tempted to express your anger, but don't do it. There is no down side to a four-way if you keep your cool and refrain from blowing up any settlement bridges.

Maintain a friendly approach in the four-way and always remember, when you argue with your spouse, they will say no.

On the other hand, some top negotiators now believe that the party proposing the first offer actually gains an advantageous bargaining position. The first offer can indicate strength and confidence and anchor the settlement talks in the preferred bargaining zone of the party making the offer.

If you do make the first offer, it is best to preface it with a polite statement about the legal standard governing the situation. For example, you could say something like, "When I ask you to pay for one-half of the day care expenses, it is not because I am out for your last penny. I am told that this is what the law usually requires, and if I am wrong, I will gladly stand corrected."

The first offer can be at the high end of the ballpark, but make sure it is not outrageous. Unnecessarily excessive offers cause unnecessarily excessive attorney's fees.

Behavior of this type is counterproductive and does not help your case.

You must not aggravate your spouse, even when they deserve to be aggravated. If you find this difficult, then just don't say anything at all.

Consider this: When you are silent, you are depriving your spouse of something they would otherwise want to fight about. Silence leaves nothing to quarrel with, and provides nothing for the next negative thing to be built upon.

In the heat of the moment, when you are on the verge of fighting fire with fire, don't. What you say can and will be used against you. Utter the wrong thing now and you are likely to wind up paying for it later.

If you don't watch what you say, you are likely to get exactly what you don't want, and you will probably watch what you do want walk out the door with your spouse.

Never, ever pass up an opportunity to remain silent.

Collaborative law practitioners meet and hammer out a mutual understanding of what they believe the court will do and guide the parties toward a negotiated resolution that matches the anticiated court result.

This clears the way for the parties to reach a settlement in 3-4 months instead of having to wait for the case to run its course.

You may ask, "If it's so easy, why doesn't everyone get divorced this way?" The answer is tis due in part to the unique negotiation training that collaborative lawyers receive, and because not everyone is capable of comprehending their spouse's position.

Collaborative divorce law practitioners slowly and methodically educate the parties as to the law and to both sides of the issue. When reasonable people are treated with understanding and respect, they become flexible and inclined to alter their settlement position to conforms to the legal standard that applies in their case.

The competitive nature of our non-collaborative, traditional divorce system, in contrast, encourages the spouses to perceive the law, the facts, and the outcome of their case differently. This approach breeds the hostility, frustration, delays, and expense that the public is fed up with.

However, as some of earlier posts indicate, cooperative divorce law is now its own stand-alone approach to conflict resolution. It is our third and separate out of court settlement approach to divorce.

When do people use cooperative divorce law in favor of collaborative law?

1. When the parties do not want to use mediation and collaborative divorce not yet reached their locale;

2. When the parties want to stay out of court and the other lawyer is not trained in the collaborative approach;

3. When you know your spouse is stubborn, mean, or generally difficult to deal with, and you do not want to have to hire a new lawyer when the negotiations fail;

4. When the parties or the lawyers do not wish to be bound by the rules and mandates of collaborative law; and,

5. When the parties or the lawyers anticipate the case will wind up in court, but want the parties to experience the cooperative process in order to calm things down, minimize ill feeling, and model behavior that is conducive to compromise.

Which do you dislike more: the prospect of being nice your spouse, or the prospect of throwing money away?

Which is more distasteful to you: being pleasant to someone who does not deserve it, or giving money to someone who does not deserve it?

Who would you rather give a new car to: your lawyer's kid, or your own kid? Whose child would you prefer to put through college? Your lawyer's child, or your child?

Is it worth the cost of a new car just to make your point?

The purpose of this post is to ask you to be sure to check and recheck the soundness and necessity of your decision to discontinue settlement attempts and take your case to court.

We do not endorse your giving in to the soon-to-be ex at all costs. If their settlement position is ridiculous, then you have nothing to lose by going to trial. We only ask that you weigh your options objectively and be sure that you do not base your decision on emotions, anger, blame, or other misguiding motivation.

Do not be confrontational. You goal is to make a settlement, not an enemy. Forget saying things like, "That's not what happened and you know it" or "Maybe you should have considered these things before you took up with that tramp," or "I'd rather go to jail than pay you a dime."

No snotty remarks. Do not respond to something your spouse says with a remark like "Whatever" or "Do what you want." Nobody wants to hear a flippant retort when they are struggling to make a point.

Avoid angry threats. Don't say, "I'll quit my job, and then what'll you have?" or "I'm going for full custody" or "that's it, I'm through talking to you. I'm hiring a Doberman for a lawyer and you're going to regret ever being born."

Don't expect sympathy from your spouse. Your spouse definitely expects to get sympathy from you, not the other way around.

Don't offer interpretations of your spouse's behavior. Forget statements like, "you weren't calling to talk to the kids. You were just checking to see if I was at home."

Don't judge or impose your values upon your spouse. Avoid statements like, "a decent person wouldn't do what you did" or "maybe the children should know that their father/mother has no morals."

Try not to say yes to a first offer, even if you think it's a good deal. Doing so leaves your spouse with thoughts that they offered too much.

You want your partner to feel good about the negotiations and you don't want them kicking themselves later. Your ex will always be part of your life, and you don't want him or her harboring angry feelings about selling themselves short.

However, try to exercise caution by not saying no too quickly. You must allow sufficient time to pass before you respond, and this is a minimum of three seconds.

If you want your spouse to give serious thought to what you want, you have to give the impression that you are giving serious thought to what they want.

Don't ever ask your partner for a specific concession, because that sounds too confrontational. Instead, say something like, "If I have to give a little in order for you to give a little, I will do so. I hope you will reciprocate so we can bring this thing to an end. We don't really want to be arguing about this same issue a year from now, do we?"